How to make a proper amends: Conflict resolution

All of us have made mistakes in life and that is not something we can ever really change. We are apt to make more mistakes as well and that is just part of life. I once read a book that made the statement: “Everyone has a sign on their forehead that says make me feel important,” I believe that to be true and I have certainly found it to be true in my life. In most cases we walk through life in a selfish self-centered rush stepping on the toes of our fellows never knowing how inconsiderate we really are at times.

When we make a mistake or hurt someone our pride will tell us that we were justified, fear and pride will not let us look at ourselves and our possible part in the matter. Often times we know in our heart that we have done wrong but it is so much easier to just let time pass and hope it will go away. In some cases we have been wronged by another and so our retaliation or our simple resentment seems justified; however, we are the ones who suffer inside on a spiritual level when we remain angry.

What should we do? Should we just forget and hope that time will bring forgiveness? Should we go on through life ignoring the pain deep inside that seems to have no real origin? Resentment and unresolved issues build up inside of us and we don`t even realize the affect they have on us. We find that we are anxious, depressed, and we don`t sleep well. These symptoms can actually lead to health problems if left unresolved but how do we resolve them? The right thing to do is swallow our pride and make an amends.

I know what you are thinking because I have been there myself; you are saying, “But they did this to me and I cannot forgive them,” or you feel justified in your anger and are just too stubborn to let it go. No matter your religious beliefs I think it is safe to say that the spiritual principles of forgiveness are universal; that is to say, you must first forgive if you expect to be forgiven. Part of making an amends is also to forgive others. Remember, however, that forgive does not necessarily mean to forget. It is ok to remember that someone may not be good for us to have a relationship with even if we forgive them.

I have a friend who I admire deeply because I have watched her take hold of these spiritual principles and use them in her life to resolve a deeply painful childhood experience. She and her sisters were molested by their father from an early age until they were all in their teens. I watched this woman, begrudgingly at first, become willing to look at this issue and decide to face it head on. She came to realize that her pain was something she would have to deal with if she were to ever find peace. I personally watched her deal with the unthinkable proposition that she must forgive this man of his sins; however, she would never need to have further contact with him or any form of a relationship. She wrote him a letter and mailed it to him without divulging her whereabouts or giving him a return address; this was enough for her to really let it all go. The decision to deal with this was not for his sake but for her own; today she is at peace and has no more fear, resentment, or anxiety about this man and what he did to her.

Forgiving someone else is quite different than when we need to ask forgiveness for our own mistakes. In my friend’s case she was not in need of forgiveness, she needed to be able to forgive for her own peace of mind. How do we deal with an amends that we need to make for something we have done? How do we make an amends with someone whom we have wronged but who may have also wronged us as well? Let’s deal with the latter scenario first: When we need to make amends to someone who has also wronged us we must remember that we are cleaning our side of the street not theirs. We must approach this situation with them in a manner that does not touch upon what they may have done to us; we must only clean up our part. In making such an amends we must not say anything about what they may have done to us at all.

I have seen examples in the past of those who start such an amends by saying things like, “I was unhappy how you handled that situation, but I am sorry I cussed you out.” This will put the person on the defensive and they will be far less receptive to your amends. The proper way to make this amends would be to say, “The other day when that situation occurred I should not have cussed you out, it was wrong of me, will you except my apology?” Many times I have watched people make a proper amends only to see the other person make an amends as well. When we approach an amends speaking only to the wrong we ourselves have committed, often times the other person will follow your lead and make an amends to you as well.

As to the other scenario in which you need to make an amends to someone who has not wronged you in anyway; these amends simply amount to a leveling of pride. We must want to let go, we must want to release the inner strife that anger and resentment build up within our hearts. We must let go of these things or they will kill us grave yard dead.

Finally, I want to share something here that I am so blessed to have in my life and that is the ability to look squarely in the mirror and admit when I am wrong. This is a blessing from God because most of my life I was unable to do so. I count this as a gift from my father in Heaven. How many people walk through this life in pain, anger, and resentment? How many of those poor souls do not even know that they have the power to let it go if they would so choose? It is my sincere prayer that these words of experience will help someone in need of letting go. Scott